The Testimony of Randy
As far back as I can remember there was this different feeling
inside me that attracted me to the same sex, I can remember being 5 or 6 and
thinking why can't I be a woman? Then I could get married to a man. The draw was
already there and there was nothing I could do about it. As I grew older I went
through the phase of having posters of men on my bedroom walls. Mom and Dad
never questioned, and I guess they just thought that was what a teenager did.
I had my first experience with a guy at the age of 12; nothing to write home
about but enough to know I liked it. But on the other hand, I knew my parents
would kill me if they ever found out. So that's about the time I started getting
into church, I had been in the church every minute the doors were open, but had
never accepted Christ as my savior. On July 16, 1969 I ask Christ into my life.
I believed that God was going to immediately change everything that I felt
inside. Heck, that's what the preacher, Sunday school teacher, and parents said,
so why not believe it? So as time went on, I just suppressed everything that I
felt inside, assuming that if I got involved in church, surely God would take
away these feelings that I had. So around the age of 16, I help start a youth
choir at church, started up vacation bible school, and started taking piano
lessons so I could be more involved with the church. Soon I even helped lead an
adult choir at church and continued to volunteer for just about anything there
was to do. During that time, I thought I had to do more to please God so he
would take this away from me.
I was involved in sports in Junior & High School. Between basketball, church and
all the other High School activities, I didn't have time to wonder about
anything else. Like all the other basketball players, I thought the more I made
it with the girls, the better off I would be. Heck, I didn't know anyone else
around me that felt the same way. So I started dating girls and having sex with
them I told myself that I had to like it (everyone else did), and maybe this was
a phase that I was going through.
As my Senior year ended, I was still having problems. My Father got sick and he
wasn't able to attend my graduation, which was really sad for me. As the next
few months passed, it made me feel guilty because maybe it was God punishing my
Dad for the things I was thinking. So after graduation I took Dad back and forth
to the doctors a lot. We honestly became real close. Dad decided to buy me a
organ for my 18 birthday even though my Mom didn't want me to have it. It was
Dad who encouraged me to play the piano for a local gospel group. I remember him
saying God has given you this wonderful talent, use it. But that December, my
life suddenly came to a halt. Because on December 27, 1974, I lost what I had
just really discovered and learned to treasure -- my father. I went through a
lot of things at that time, thinking maybe God had done this to punish me for
the things I was thinking.
Well, as the next two years went by, my best friend in High School came out to
me. I was nervous and yet kind of glad. I had found someone that felt the same
way I did. What a relief, yet all along I was dating a girl that sang in the
Gospel Group that I played with. During that time, I ran into so many men that
were in the same shape I was in, wanting the same as I did, but were afraid or
didn't know what do. I guess they felt the same way I did. I remember a night in
May of 1977, a friend took me to this bar. I had gone to High School with her
and had gone up to see her for a Saturday night. I remember we had gone to
several bars that night, all straight, and this was all very exciting for me as
I had never been to a places like that before. But as the night just about
ended, she said heck, let's go to one more just off-campus place. They have some
wonderful entertainers. I thought, cool, just another place among many that I
had never been into before. We walked in, it was dark, and there was this show
going on. I was shy back then and didn't notice the people. I just looked at the
girl singing and said, what a beautiful girl. My friend looked at me and started
laughing. Randy, she said, you really need to get out more. That is a man and
this is a Gay bar. I remember looking around and seeing all these men and women
hugging on each other. The first though came to my mind was, God is going to
send a bolt of lighting down on me here for being in such a place. I was scared
to death, and as my friend calmed me down I got to thinking -- man, all these
people are like me and thinking the same things I did.
Of course, I left that night and went home. The next morning, I was at the altar
repenting of my sins. But you know, as the week went on I just kept thinking
about what I had seen. More people like me. You know what, the next weekend was
Memorial Day and I was up there in that bar by myself. I did not have the nerve
to go and talk with anyone. If they came and talked with me, I was very short
with them. I think they thought I was stuck up, and that wasn't even the case,
just nervous. Well, I spent the next few months just going when I had the
chance, finding more about this lifestyle. It was so interesting to find more
people just like me.
Well about the time I was dealing with all that, I was also trying to be what my
mom wanted me to be. I had start having more sex with the girls, not that she
wanted me to do that, but plan ahead for my wife and her grandchildren. I was
dating, and just about the time that I came to the knowledge of what and who I
was, my girlfriend came and told me she was pregnant. Well, the only thing I
could see was God trying to show me something--I was supposed to be married and
have kids, and what else could it be? We were married one week after my 21st
birthday. I knew down deep I would never be happy, but I was doing the Christian
thing. The next June my son was born and we named him Adam. Adam was born with a
birth defect. Again I thought God was punishing me by giving him this hair lip.
I can remember saying, God, have I been this bad that you would take this out on
my child? So I said I am sorry, God. Just make Adam better and I will do better.
I will be husband, father and anything You want me to be. In September, Adam was
scheduled to have what was the first of three surgeries throughout his life to
fix his hair lip. I remember praying that morning, God take care of Adam and his
surgery, because for the past several months I completely stayed away from
anything that had to do with the other lifestyle. Well Adam's surgery went well.
Praise the Lord! After surgery, I left the hospital and went to check on my
mother; she had been very sick. Once I got to the house she said her left arm
was numb. We rushed her to hospital. They told us so many things that could be
wrong. After a week in hospital, we took her to a Chattanooga hospital where
they said she had a brain tumor and recommended doing surgery in two days.
I remember being at work and talking to my Mom. She told me she was going to
have to have surgery, and that the doctor had come in and told her without
anyone there to be with her. I can remember that day like so many other days
driving down the interstate crying, saying: this must surely be my punishment
because I have been so bad and God was not pleased. He was going to do whatever
it took to get ahold of me. I remember praying to God as I drove to Chattanooga:
just give me the tumor. I rather rather just go ahead and die. My mom was a
super person. I wish that I could just have a small part of her personality,
warmth and caring that everyone loved and admired in her. So the next few months
for me was a living hell. I hated everything. I resented God for what I was
feeling inside of me. I hated God for doing this to my mother; she hadn't done
anything--I had. I was just miserable inside. We had our ups and downs over the
next few months untill it got to the point we knew Mom didn't have long to live.
I remember one evening Mom said: close the door. I want to talk with you by
yourself, with no one else listening. She told me that life is so short and that
she knew I was unhappy. That I would have to learn to love myself before I could
make anyone else happy. And that I should listen more to the Holy Spirit and not
as much to men. She knew that I was "special. " She didn't understand but
trusted God in my life. She also said during that time: "Keep God first in your
life and everything you do and you will come out shining. " As I sat there I was
just thinking how much I was going to miss her; it was always Mom that stood
beside me. Maybe not understanding, but because she loved me. As long as I live,
I will never for get those words she gave me that night. I never spoke with her
again. She slipped into a coma that night and passed away on July 16, 1979.
From there my life really started to change. I knew that I could no longer be
married, because it wasn't me, and I knew that I had to be me. Still not
understanding how God worked in this plan, but to be happy, I had to do this for
me. In November 1979, I divorced my wife. What a relief. I was still down on
myself, but I felt happy even though through it seemed like my entire family had
turned their back on me. I could only remember "Keep God First. " Right after
that I started going to this little country church: I was scared to death that
they would find out about me. One night, the pastor, after preaching the message
went to the altar. He stayed there what seemed to be a hour; it was probably 10
to 15 minutes. He got up from the altar and came and sat beside me and said, "I
have heard things about you, and I asked God if they where true and if we could
use you here. God just told me to use you. " After he left I thought "God told
him to use me." God knows what I am. In my mind, I was thinking now that doesn't
makes any sense, but I went along with it and thanked God for letting serve him
by playing the piano.
It was about a year after mom died that I met this man of my dreams named Carl.
When we first met, I knew I loved him. I knew what poets and song writers where
describing in their words. I was obsessed with him; I was fulfilled by him. I
felt like I was the person I was always meant to be whenever we were together.
My heart would race when I even thought about him. It was far more than a
physical desire, it was an emotional completion. I had never experienced
anything like it. Hearing the preacher preach God's condemnation of the
homosexual lifestyle while I was playing the piano in the same church was not
hard for me, but people were talking. I stopped playing the piano for the church
because of what they where saying. The next several years I would be in church
awhile, then leave for awhile, all because of guilt. I repeated this
back-and-forth pattern several times just trying to make myself and Carl happy.
As I look back now, I realized God was with me throughout it all because He had
plans for me.
In April 1994 the most exciting thing happened that change my entire life. I had
been going to a local church on most Sunday mornings to get filled and the
teachings of Christ. Well it so happens I went back that night, having a lot of
problems with home and my partner. I told God that tonight is the night. I was
praying, singing and worshipping Christ. I said, "God, I am not leaving this
place till I get a answer!" I must have that answer tonight: is it Right or
Wrong? Well about that time the pastor said: "Randy, come up here! God has a
word for you." I thought, "Yeah, the pastor has heard about me he going to cast
the demons out of me." Like they haven't tried before. I went up he said, "I
don't know what is going on with you Randy, but God does. He says you must go to
him through the spirit and pray to him through tongues. " I had never done that
before but the pastor said "You have come so close before but cut if off. Before
you had been afraid of it. Well tonight, if you want a answer you must have
faith all the way even through prayer!" So I started praying, crying and
worshipping with my hands raised and all I remember was I was started praying in
tongues, and after I finished, all the pressure that I had was lifted away. Now
here is the best part of it all--a man who had been praying with me started
giving me a message through tongues and a gentleman besides him interpreted. The
message I got from God was this: "Child, no longer fear what man has taught you;
start listening to what I have to say. I created you as I created you, not by
mistake but for a plan, and that plan is to tell my children that have been cast
out and felt not loved that I love them. Have no fear, from this day forward I
will give you a tongue to speak freely of the love that I Have for each of my
children(and He has). From this day forward I will put people in front of you to
witness (and He has) Let the people see Jesus in you when you speak and when you
pray; be a ray of light for others (and that does happen). If you follow my lead
I will have great rewards for you in heaven as well as on the earth." And you
know what, I have never been the same since that day. Totally awesome is God.
After that night I prayed to God and asked what can I do? I believe that He
started the ground work for what is now called Hope For All Ministries. God led
a person into my life within the next few weeks which I will never forget, Dolly
Hamby -- a pastor and friend who prefers to simply answer to 'Sister Dolly'.
Sister Dolly helped me start a small bible study. I remember meeting her and her
partner Kay for the first time; it was love at first sight. Through that bible
study we realized that God was working. During the next 7 months, God moved and
the Devil tried to destroy it. In December, God laid on the hearts of some of
the Bible study group to start a new church and name it Hope For All Ministries.
I can remember thinking: WOW, how totally awesome is our God. We started
praying, then decided that the first Sunday in January would be our first
service.
I couldn't wait, but then something else also was happening in my life. The
Devil didn't like what was going on and knew and hated what God had planned for
me. On December 27th, the anniversary of my father's death, the pain of loss
came over me again. My partner of over 14 years chose that day to tell me that
he was leaving. My life came to a halt and for a short while the old self came
back in and thought, "What did I do now, God?" Let me say that during the 14
years with Carl, I learned and made mistakes, but I would never take back the
years that I shared with him. He will always will hold a special place in my
heart that I know will never go away. Through those years he put up with a man
that was scared to really give love as much as he did, and always tried to
understand the things that I was going through. You know, sometimes we do not
understand God's plans with our lives, but after a lot of my prayers, and
prayers from church members and many tears, I knew and felt the calling of God.
He knew what he had planned for me with Hope For All Ministries, and so I
accepted His call and went on doing His work.
Since the start of the church, I have become more of what God wants, still
learning more everyday what God wants for my life. I have been able to talk and
come out to several close friends, though with my blood family I have not been
able to talk much about it. I will continue to pray for them for understanding.
The most important person that I ever came out to was on February 15, 1997. It
was a long night, and after talking with my son Adam about how things were going
on in his life, I decided that at 18, it was time he knew what was going on in
his Dad's life. I just trusted God to make it O. K. When I told Adam, he just
grinned and said he knew and that it didn't matter to him and that he loved me,
and not to be ashamed of who I was. He was proud of me! All my fears had ended.
God touched both our lives that night and because of that we have become closer
than ever before.
If you are out there today and reading this testimony, remember this is Randy's
relationship with God. Nobody's else's. You must go to God and let God teach you
through the spirit how to wipe out man's teaching and let the Holy Spirit work
through you. If you are wondering, "Can I do this?" Let me challenge each one of
you to give God a chance. You cannot make it happen. I didn't choose to be Gay,
no more than a heterosexual chooses to be straight; it just is. It's like
telling a heterosexual after he goes to the altar and gets up, he must be gay
now. It doesn't work that way, God doesn't work that way. So go to Him just as
you are. Test God, try God, the Bible teaches us that, and see God work in your
life. He has in mine.
Yours in Christ
Brother Randy
E-mail Randy at
randmyman@aol.com
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